mothers

i had a dream last night that my mom died. it was like a month later or something and i was telling someone that i had to try not to think about it because i couldn't function otherwise. it wasn't a big dramatic dream- i don't know how she had supposedly died or anything and i don't remember anything else about it- i just know that i was glad when i woke up. i told chris about it and then in the shower i thought a lot about my nana. how wonderful she was, how i want to be more like her, etc. i just talked to my mom on the phone and she reminded me that today is the 20th anniversary of my nana's death. i guess somewhere in my brain i remembered. i wish i could remember more about her. i was 10 when she died. not fair, not fair, not fair.

i've been reading this chick book, little earthquakes, which is about 4 women who have each recently had a baby. it only fuels my baby want, which i have been trying to keep under control. it seems to be getting worse lately. sometimes it's all i can think about. it's scary, because i am generally very happy with my life the way it is. why would i want to change it? the more i read and the more i talk to people with children, the more i want a baby but i am also more scared about the reality of it than i ever was before. people talk about how hard it is, how "you can't even imagine how hard it is." why do i want this?