confession

i LOVE accordion music. not the polka or weird al sort, the lovely french street musician or in-italy-on-a-gondola kind. i really wanted an accordionist at our wedding, but the moms weren't into it. i had a string quartet instead, which was very nice, but i kind of wish i had stuck to my guns. i have been listening to the amelie soundtrack and the band beirut alot lately. it makes me want to be a gypsy.

mothers

i had a dream last night that my mom died. it was like a month later or something and i was telling someone that i had to try not to think about it because i couldn't function otherwise. it wasn't a big dramatic dream- i don't know how she had supposedly died or anything and i don't remember anything else about it- i just know that i was glad when i woke up. i told chris about it and then in the shower i thought a lot about my nana. how wonderful she was, how i want to be more like her, etc. i just talked to my mom on the phone and she reminded me that today is the 20th anniversary of my nana's death. i guess somewhere in my brain i remembered. i wish i could remember more about her. i was 10 when she died. not fair, not fair, not fair.

i've been reading this chick book, little earthquakes, which is about 4 women who have each recently had a baby. it only fuels my baby want, which i have been trying to keep under control. it seems to be getting worse lately. sometimes it's all i can think about. it's scary, because i am generally very happy with my life the way it is. why would i want to change it? the more i read and the more i talk to people with children, the more i want a baby but i am also more scared about the reality of it than i ever was before. people talk about how hard it is, how "you can't even imagine how hard it is." why do i want this?

holy crap i suck at blogging (also, spelling rant)

this is why i waited so long to start a blog. a lot of the time i don't feel like i have anything of interest to say, so i just don't say anything. (on the blog, i mean. of course i say tons of un-interesting things to the poor souls who are unlucky enough to see me on a regular basis. poor little beatrix has to listen to me sing about un-interesting things. i like to make up little songs and sing to her.)

anyhoo, (i hate it when people write "anywho" because i think it's spelled "anyhoo". 'who' makes it seem like you're referring to a person. i don't care if a word is slang or a silly made up word, i still think that there are correct and incorrect spellings for most of them.) poor little bea had her hysterectomy a couple weeks ago. they actually just remove the uterus and ovaries, which i hadn't really thought about until we dropped her off. i guess when i thought about it before, i was thinking that they just 'tie the tubes' since they call it spaying and not a hysterectomy. i felt sort of bad about it when i realized what was going to happen. she didn't have a choice. for all i know, she really wanted to have puppies. she's kind of a tomboy, so probably not, but you never know. it does cut the chance of her getting breast cancer by 50%, so i know it's for the best, plus i can't imagine dealing with the whole being in heat thing. she would probably be miserable and i would have to put diapers on her- what a mess. none of us need that. she is much better off sans reproductive organs, i guess.

i used to think that it was a good idea to stay friendly with ex-boyfriends. yeah, now not so much. a crazy and stupid ex-boyfriend is another thing i don't need. that is all.