confession

i LOVE accordion music. not the polka or weird al sort, the lovely french street musician or in-italy-on-a-gondola kind. i really wanted an accordionist at our wedding, but the moms weren't into it. i had a string quartet instead, which was very nice, but i kind of wish i had stuck to my guns. i have been listening to the amelie soundtrack and the band beirut alot lately. it makes me want to be a gypsy.

mothers

i had a dream last night that my mom died. it was like a month later or something and i was telling someone that i had to try not to think about it because i couldn't function otherwise. it wasn't a big dramatic dream- i don't know how she had supposedly died or anything and i don't remember anything else about it- i just know that i was glad when i woke up. i told chris about it and then in the shower i thought a lot about my nana. how wonderful she was, how i want to be more like her, etc. i just talked to my mom on the phone and she reminded me that today is the 20th anniversary of my nana's death. i guess somewhere in my brain i remembered. i wish i could remember more about her. i was 10 when she died. not fair, not fair, not fair.

i've been reading this chick book, little earthquakes, which is about 4 women who have each recently had a baby. it only fuels my baby want, which i have been trying to keep under control. it seems to be getting worse lately. sometimes it's all i can think about. it's scary, because i am generally very happy with my life the way it is. why would i want to change it? the more i read and the more i talk to people with children, the more i want a baby but i am also more scared about the reality of it than i ever was before. people talk about how hard it is, how "you can't even imagine how hard it is." why do i want this?

holy crap i suck at blogging (also, spelling rant)

this is why i waited so long to start a blog. a lot of the time i don't feel like i have anything of interest to say, so i just don't say anything. (on the blog, i mean. of course i say tons of un-interesting things to the poor souls who are unlucky enough to see me on a regular basis. poor little beatrix has to listen to me sing about un-interesting things. i like to make up little songs and sing to her.)

anyhoo, (i hate it when people write "anywho" because i think it's spelled "anyhoo". 'who' makes it seem like you're referring to a person. i don't care if a word is slang or a silly made up word, i still think that there are correct and incorrect spellings for most of them.) poor little bea had her hysterectomy a couple weeks ago. they actually just remove the uterus and ovaries, which i hadn't really thought about until we dropped her off. i guess when i thought about it before, i was thinking that they just 'tie the tubes' since they call it spaying and not a hysterectomy. i felt sort of bad about it when i realized what was going to happen. she didn't have a choice. for all i know, she really wanted to have puppies. she's kind of a tomboy, so probably not, but you never know. it does cut the chance of her getting breast cancer by 50%, so i know it's for the best, plus i can't imagine dealing with the whole being in heat thing. she would probably be miserable and i would have to put diapers on her- what a mess. none of us need that. she is much better off sans reproductive organs, i guess.

i used to think that it was a good idea to stay friendly with ex-boyfriends. yeah, now not so much. a crazy and stupid ex-boyfriend is another thing i don't need. that is all.

my husband has made a habit of changing the desktop picture on our computer every few days, according to which is the cutest thing (in his opinion) on cuteoverload.com. sometimes he calls me into the computer room to see how cute a puppy or kitten or hedgehog is and we say things like “oh my god, that is ridiculous”, or “it’s so fucking cute, I think I might throw up.” yesterday we were talking about how insanely cute this fennec fox with the pink lacy harness/dress is and he says, “and the leash doesn’t even match, can you believe it? i mean, if you’re going to go that far and put a pink and lacy harness on a fox, the leash should match- what the hell?!”

really, he should be on cuteoverload.

bush presidency- performance art?

i watched the john oliver special "terrifying times" last night on comedy central. it was pretty funny for the most part, and my favorite was when he suggested that dubya's entire 8 year presidency has been an art piece about how awful it would be if someone so terrible was actually elected.

data entry crushes souls

ugh. it's my own fault that at 30 i've still got a job that requires things like data entry. i didn't go to a proper college/university and still don't want to. i'm not a real fan of school in general, actually. i like to learn new things, but on my terms. also i'm extremely lazy. the thought of having to write papers is enough to keep me from going back to school but i guess the main reason is the fact that at this point i'd basically have to start from scratch as my associates degree in photography is completely worthless and it would take me approximately 8 years going part-time just to get an undergraduate degree. i'm pretty sure it wouldn't make much of a difference now anyway, as far as getting a better job goes. of course having a bachelor's degree could lead to getting a master's degree but as i still don't know 'what i really want to do', what's the point in spending all of that time and money when there's no guarantee that i'll end up totally fufilled and making good money? in general, i'm a pretty happy person and most of the time i don't mind that i don't have a chosen career. except, i suppose, when i am doing soul-crushing data entry.

don't even get me started

so... the debate last night: barack doesn't wear a goddamn flag pin and they had questions from pennsylvanians that were videdotaped and this stupid woman asked why he WON'T wear a flag pin- is he not patriotic? so i'm so angry not even just at the stupid yokel who asked the question but that the t.v. station or whoever it is that chose that fucking question to air! it's so irrelevant and distracting when there are real issues, like the WAR maybe? and the freaking ECONOMY? jesus h. they take a stupid thing like a flag pin or something obama's pastor said years ago or something that hillary made a little mistake about and blow it up and beat it to death. so in response to the flag pin question, barack basically said that it's a "manufacured issue" and that of course he loves this country and that he's said many times before that "his story wouldn't be possible in any other country." you know, raised by a single mom, mixed race, poor but went to college, to where his is now, blah blah blah. he totally took the high road every time. even when they asked about how hillary lied about the whole sniper fire thing he said they should let it go, unlike hillary, who basically took jabs at him every chance she got. he's just so much more honest and intelligent, in my opinion. i don't know about you, but i want a president who's a lot smarter than me. look how well things have worked out with a president who's "just a regular guy." anyway, i just wish they would focus on the real issues. i'd really like to hear more about how each of them plans to "fix" things. here's a great article on the debate.